The Seven Deadly Moments When Yahweh or Jesus Seem Confused in the Bible

I.   Genesis 9:6
       2Samuel 12:9-13


     Maybe Yahweh should have written down his
     notes in stone?  David commits murder for 
     hire--and ends up in good old age full of days, 
     riches, and honor.  God the Father or 
     The Godfather---depends on divine order.   


II.  Deuteronomy 24:16
        2Samuel 12:13-18


     What happened to the wisdom of  Solomon?   
     Yahweh kills an innocent baby in order to
     punish a guilty father--not suitable for the 
     typical Sunday School coloring book.  Is that
     why fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom?


III. Matthew 10:5-6
        Matthew 28:19-20


     Doesn't Jesus recall His antipathy toward
     Samaritans and Gentiles?  Maybe the
     apostles over-fished the errant Jews?
     Anyway, Paul was able to make a bigger
     tent, as it were.


IV.  Genesis 9:1-4
         Leviticus 11:1-20


     Doesn't Yahweh recall that Noah got
     an All-You-Want-to-Eat Buffet?  Then
     why does Moses get the All-You-Can-and-
     Cannot-Eat Buffet?  Was there a recall on
     some of the Intelligently Designed animals?
     The good news is that there was no change
     on the veggies---so all the loco weeds are
     still in.


V.   Deuteronomy 24:1-4
        Matthew 19:6-8


     Doesn't Jesus know that the bible is the
     inspired and inerrant word of God?  Here,
     Jesus reveals that Moses alone authorized
     certificates of divorce based on Moses'
     personal judgment.  Can Jesus un-ring this bell?


VI.  Genesis 6:5-6
         Exodus 20:1-17


     Does Yahweh sometimes get the future confused
     with the present?  The Commandments were given
     to Moses, not Adam--except for that prohibition 
     about eating certain fruits.  But Yahweh floods the
     biosphere, killing every living thing except those 
     aboard the Ark.  Being three personalities in one
     and omniscient must have its issues.


VII. Job 1:6-12
          Luke 4:1-12


     Does Yahweh know that he doesn't have to play
     the Dozens with the Evil One?  Poor Job!
     Satan bested Yahweh because all Yahweh had to
     snap was,  "I know all and I cannot tell a lie."
     The Jesus personality of the Trinity was cool. His
     snaps were fresh.  Then He tells the Evil One to go
     to Hell.  But what if the Evil One has said something
     about Jesus' momma....?


Read the word of God, I pray you, as I have cited
for you in the Holey Bible www.kingjamesbibleonline.org
But if you gerrymander the verses, as many of your clergy
do, you best eat the Jesus Fish Flesh with a side
of honeycomb.

Let your own reading be your tutor whose end is to
hold, as it were, the mirror up to the paracosm
of religion to show a scam that is as old as the pyramids.
     
     

The Seven Deadly Ways God Sanctions Slavery in the Bible

I.   Exodus 21:20-21


     Yahweh sanctions slavery because the slave is 
     the property of the slaveholder.  Yahweh appears
     to be ignorant of the unalienable rights given by
     some creator--obviously not him.  GOD, JUST
     FORBID SLAVERY, DAMN IT.  Instead, 
     Yahweh forbids wearing fabric blends.


II.  Jeremiah 34:8-22


     Yahweh sanctions slavery as long as enslaved
     Jews are freed by their Jewish slaveholders--as
     per instructions.  GOD, JUST FORBID 
     SLAVERY, DAMN IT.  Instead, Yahweh forbids
     eating shellfish.


III. Exodus 21:26-27


     Yahweh sanctions slavery as long as the slaveholder
     frees the slave who has his or her teeth knocked out
     or half-blinded by the slaveholder.  But no workman's
     comp.  Oh, the Benevolence!  GOD, JUST FORBID
     SLAVERY, DAMN IT.  Instead, Yahweh forbids
     getting a tattoo.  


IV.  Exodus 21:1-6


     Yahweh sanctions slavery if the slaveholder frees
     his Jewish slave after six years.  The slaveholder
     is given authority by Yahweh to split up the slave's
     family, unless the slave opts to remain a slave for
     life and gets a hole punched in his ear.
     GOD, JUST FORBID SLAVERY, DAMN IT.
     Instead, Yahweh forbids serving cream sauce
     over goat meat.


V.   Leviticus 25:44-46


     Yahweh sanctions lifetime slavery of Gentiles
     if the slaveholder adheres to the legalistic
     clauses delineated by Yahweh--Contract
     Law 101.  GOD, JUST FORBID SLAVERY,
     DAMN IT.  Instead, Yahweh forbids cutting
     sideburns.


VI.  Genesis 21:8-14


     Yahweh sanctions slavery as long as the 
     off-spring of a slave woman and her master
    are written out of the slaveholder's will.  Slave
    children made illegitimate and homeless.  For
    Paul, this was laudable and should be a lesson
    for good Christians.  GOD, JUST FORBID
    SLAVERY, DAMN IT.  Instead, Yahweh 
    forbids eating a rare steak.


VII. 2Chronicles 8:7-8


     Yahweh sanctions slave labor as long as 
     Solomon used it for public works, supporting
     the House of the Lord--just like the construction
     of the U. S. Capitol.  GOD, JUST FORBID
     SLAVERY, DAMN IT.  Instead, Yahweh 
     forbids eating an Egg McMuffin.  


Read the word of God, I pray you, as I
have cited it for you in the Holey Bible
www.kingjamesbibleonline.org But if you
gerrymander the verses, as many of your clergy
do, you best eat the Jesus Fish Flesh with
a side of honeycomb.

Let your own reading be your tutor whose
end is to hold, as it were, the mirror up to
the paracosm of religion to show a scam
that is as old as the pyramids.




     

The Seven Deadly Rants of the Times Square Jesus Bum Found in the Bible

I.   "You think you know God.  But I'm the only one 
      who knows God.  If I say I don't know God,
      I'd be a liar like you."  John 8:55


II.  "Me and God are the same person."  John 10:30


III. "If you believe in the Bible,  you believe in me
       because the Bible is about me."  John 5:46


IV.  "If you love your mother and father more
        than me, you don't deserve to know me.
        If you love your children more than me
        you don't deserve to know me."  Matthew 10:37


V.   "If your balls make you sin, cut them off.  If your
       tits make you a slut, cut them off."  Matthew 5:29-30
                                                                                         Mark 9:43-47


VI.  "I don't put down or criticize anyone.  But if
        I do put you down, I am right on because God
        listens to me."  John 8:15-16


VII. "You know I'm telling it like it is.  But you
         can't handle it.  You see what I'm saying?
         I'm keeping it real."  John 8:45-46


If this homeless street preacher came up to you
on the street, what would you do?  Would you
make eye-contact with him?  Would you ask
him to tell you more?  Would you give him
money?  Would you leave your family,
your home, your job and follow him?

  
       

The Seven Deadly Times When God Showed Fear in the Bible

I.   In the Garden of Eden---
      Genesis 3:22-23


     The upshot is that the Serpent did not lie--Yahweh 
     confirms that Adam and Eve became like him,
     knowing good and evil.  Yahweh had them thrown
     out of the Garden because Yahweh was afraid
     they might also eat from the Tree of Life and
     live forever.


II.  At the Tower of Babel----
        Genesis 11:1-9


     Yahweh feared a human challenge to his power,
     and he garbled human communication .  The
     Tower of Babel presented a serious threat, not
     just an impudent stunt, like a dog flushing a toilet.


III.  In the Garden of Gethsemane---
          Mark 14:32-36
          Luke 22:39-44


     Jesus--troubled, deeply distressed, in agony,
     sweating blood, even with an angel by his side.
     Jesus proves that there are no atheists in
     foxholes?


IV.   At Peniel---
          Genesis 32:22-30


     Jacob pinned Yahweh who cried, not "no mas,"
     but "Israel."  Yahweh ought to watch any 
     grabbing near the hip--or Yahweh might have
     to eat his words about that punishment talked
     about in Deuteronomy 25:11-12.


V.    In the Seventh Year, in the Fifth Month, 
         the Tenth Day---
         Ezekiel 20:13-14


     A date that will not become a blood red 
     day marking one of Yahweh's Stalinist reprisals
     because Yahweh was afraid of looking bad to
     the Gentiles--CNN International B.C.


VI.   At Golgotha---
          Matthew 27:46
          Mark 15:34


     Two Gospels report the last words of Yeshua: "Eloi,
     Eloi, lama sabachthani"---in Aramaic so nothing
     is lost in translation.
     Would Nathan Hale be considered an American
     hero if had said, "My countrymen, my countrymen,
     why have you forsaken me"?


VII.  At the Trial Before Pontius Pilate---
           John 18:38
   
     Every day during the Roman Catholic Mass,
     the name of a Roman governor of a backwater
     province is repeated in the Nicene Creed.  The       
     word count of the name Pontius Pilate is second
     only to the word count of the name Jesus Christ
     in the Roman Catholic liturgy.
     A fitting honor because Pontius Pilate uttered
     the most profound and wisest words in the
     Bible---"What is truth?"  Jesus was speechless
     because He was afraid to answer.


Read the word of God, I pray you, as I
have cited it for you in the Holey
Bible www.kingjamesbibleonline.org But
if you gerrymander the verses, as many of
your clergy do, you best eat the Jesus
Fish Flesh with a side of honeycomb.

Let your own reading be your tutor
whose end is to hold, as it were,
the mirror up to the paracosm
of religion to show a scam that
is as old as the pyramids.

The Seven Deadly Accounting Errors in the Bible*

I.   Genesis 6:19-20
       Genesis 7:2-3


     First livestock inventory was for two of every kind
     of animal.  Second livestock inventory was for seven
     of every clean animal and two of every unclean animal.
     Noah may have gotten the order mixed up because 
     Yahweh told Moses, not Noah, which animals are 
     clean and unclean.


II.  2Samuel 24:1-15
        1Chronicles 21:1-14


     Census count 1,300,000 versus 1,570,000.  But
     who told David to order the census--Satan or Yahweh?
     For some vague reason, Yahweh, displaying infinite
     wisdom, kills at least 70,000 innocent people who
     returned their census forms, but lets David plea bargain.


III. Numbers 25:9
         1Corinthians 10:8


     Another Stalinist style reprisal by Yahweh, killing
     24,000 people.  Paul shorts the body count by 1,000
     to 23,000 souls.  Maybe the Good Shepherd in that
     parable miscounted his one hundred sheep by one?


IV.  2Chronicles 22:2
         2Kings 8:26


     Ahaziah became king at age 42--the bible tells 
     me so.  Ahaziah became king at age 22--the
     bible tells me so.  Methuselah lived 969 years.
     How can you be sure--the bible tells you so. . .?


V.   1Kings 4:26
        2Chronicles 9:25


     In one accounting, Solomon has 40,000 stables
     and chariot bays.  In another accounting, Solomon
     has only 4,000 stables and chariot bays.  Good 
     thing a king does not have a tax obligation like
     a president does.


VI.  Genesis 6:16
         Genesis 7:20


     The Noah family barge was huge with only one
     window, roughly 20 inches by 20 inches, cut in
     the roof.  No A/C  or cross-ventilation.  Yahweh
     needs to do some calculations in fluid mechanics
     and geography.  The elevation of Mt. Ararat is
     16,000+ feet; elevation of Mt. Everest is 
     29,000+ feet.  How high is a hill?


VII. Genesis 7-8ff.


     The calendar time on the Noah family barge 
     from embarkation to disembarkation seems to
    be around 375 days.  But according to the logged
    time--the drifting, the running aground, and 
    eventual disembarkation, the Noah family
    was aboard closer to 400 days.  With input
    from Archimedes and Pythagoras, Zeus would
   have beaten Yahweh on "Are You Smarter Than
   a Fifth Grader."


     *The bible idolaters worship an inerrant biblical
       ledger:  2Timothy 3:16; 2Peter 1:21; Hebrews 1:1


Read the word of God, I pray you, as I
have cited it for you in the Holey Bible.
www.kingjamesbibleonline.org  But if you
gerrymander the verses, as many of your clergy
do, you best eat the Jesus Fish Flesh with 
a side of honeycomb.


Let your own reading be your tutor whose
end is to hold, as it were, the mirror up
to the paracosm of religion to show a scam
that is as old as the pyramids.








     

The Seven Deadly Biblical Mysteries

I.   Why did Jesus want to raise the dead if  
      the dead already have been freed from this sinful
      vale of tears to await Final Judgment?


II.  If the eternal object lesson of the Parable of
       the Good Samaritan is universal brotherhood,
       why did Jesus feature a Samaritan, who is an
       outcast Jew but a Jew nevertheless, instead of 
       an Egyptian or a Nubian?


III. Was Adam created with a normally functioning
        penis and testicles, considering that Eve
        was a post-creation afterthought?


IV.  If the superpower Rome took Jesus into custody
        for insurrection, why did they not arrest His
        presumed co-conspirators--the twelve apostles?


V.   Why are there venerated relics of Jesus like the Grail, 
        the shroud, the cross, nails, tears, foreskin, but 
        there are no artifacts He made during His many
        years as a carpenter?


VI.  If all human beings are God's children, was Mary,
         the mother of Jesus, a victim of incest?


VII. If Jesus said that there were people present when
         He was on earth who would not taste death
         until He returns, where are these people living today?


Pluck out the ignorance that fools you to the top of your
bent.  Bible verses are but a rhapsody of words.  Words
need thoughts.  The capacity of reason should not fust
in us unused, covered with shreds and patches.

Seven Deadly Pornographic Bible Passages That Children Should Be Shielded From*

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