The Seven Deadly Moments When Yahweh or Jesus Seem Confused in the Bible

I.   Genesis 9:6
       2Samuel 12:9-13


     Maybe Yahweh should have written down his
     notes in stone?  David commits murder for 
     hire--and ends up in good old age full of days, 
     riches, and honor.  God the Father or 
     The Godfather---depends on divine order.   


II.  Deuteronomy 24:16
        2Samuel 12:13-18


     What happened to the wisdom of  Solomon?   
     Yahweh kills an innocent baby in order to
     punish a guilty father--not suitable for the 
     typical Sunday School coloring book.  Is that
     why fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom?


III. Matthew 10:5-6
        Matthew 28:19-20


     Doesn't Jesus recall His antipathy toward
     Samaritans and Gentiles?  Maybe the
     apostles over-fished the errant Jews?
     Anyway, Paul was able to make a bigger
     tent, as it were.


IV.  Genesis 9:1-4
         Leviticus 11:1-20


     Doesn't Yahweh recall that Noah got
     an All-You-Want-to-Eat Buffet?  Then
     why does Moses get the All-You-Can-and-
     Cannot-Eat Buffet?  Was there a recall on
     some of the Intelligently Designed animals?
     The good news is that there was no change
     on the veggies---so all the loco weeds are
     still in.


V.   Deuteronomy 24:1-4
        Matthew 19:6-8


     Doesn't Jesus know that the bible is the
     inspired and inerrant word of God?  Here,
     Jesus reveals that Moses alone authorized
     certificates of divorce based on Moses'
     personal judgment.  Can Jesus un-ring this bell?


VI.  Genesis 6:5-6
         Exodus 20:1-17


     Does Yahweh sometimes get the future confused
     with the present?  The Commandments were given
     to Moses, not Adam--except for that prohibition 
     about eating certain fruits.  But Yahweh floods the
     biosphere, killing every living thing except those 
     aboard the Ark.  Being three personalities in one
     and omniscient must have its issues.


VII. Job 1:6-12
          Luke 4:1-12


     Does Yahweh know that he doesn't have to play
     the Dozens with the Evil One?  Poor Job!
     Satan bested Yahweh because all Yahweh had to
     snap was,  "I know all and I cannot tell a lie."
     The Jesus personality of the Trinity was cool. His
     snaps were fresh.  Then He tells the Evil One to go
     to Hell.  But what if the Evil One has said something
     about Jesus' momma....?


Read the word of God, I pray you, as I have cited
for you in the Holey Bible www.kingjamesbibleonline.org
But if you gerrymander the verses, as many of your clergy
do, you best eat the Jesus Fish Flesh with a side
of honeycomb.

Let your own reading be your tutor whose end is to
hold, as it were, the mirror up to the paracosm
of religion to show a scam that is as old as the pyramids.
     
     

The Seven Deadly Ways God Sanctions Slavery in the Bible

I.   Exodus 21:20-21


     Yahweh sanctions slavery because the slave is 
     the property of the slaveholder.  Yahweh appears
     to be ignorant of the unalienable rights given by
     some creator--obviously not him.  GOD, JUST
     FORBID SLAVERY, DAMN IT.  Instead, 
     Yahweh forbids wearing fabric blends.


II.  Jeremiah 34:8-22


     Yahweh sanctions slavery as long as enslaved
     Jews are freed by their Jewish slaveholders--as
     per instructions.  GOD, JUST FORBID 
     SLAVERY, DAMN IT.  Instead, Yahweh forbids
     eating shellfish.


III. Exodus 21:26-27


     Yahweh sanctions slavery as long as the slaveholder
     frees the slave who has his or her teeth knocked out
     or half-blinded by the slaveholder.  But no workman's
     comp.  Oh, the Benevolence!  GOD, JUST FORBID
     SLAVERY, DAMN IT.  Instead, Yahweh forbids
     getting a tattoo.  


IV.  Exodus 21:1-6


     Yahweh sanctions slavery if the slaveholder frees
     his Jewish slave after six years.  The slaveholder
     is given authority by Yahweh to split up the slave's
     family, unless the slave opts to remain a slave for
     life and gets a hole punched in his ear.
     GOD, JUST FORBID SLAVERY, DAMN IT.
     Instead, Yahweh forbids serving cream sauce
     over goat meat.


V.   Leviticus 25:44-46


     Yahweh sanctions lifetime slavery of Gentiles
     if the slaveholder adheres to the legalistic
     clauses delineated by Yahweh--Contract
     Law 101.  GOD, JUST FORBID SLAVERY,
     DAMN IT.  Instead, Yahweh forbids cutting
     sideburns.


VI.  Genesis 21:8-14


     Yahweh sanctions slavery as long as the 
     off-spring of a slave woman and her master
    are written out of the slaveholder's will.  Slave
    children made illegitimate and homeless.  For
    Paul, this was laudable and should be a lesson
    for good Christians.  GOD, JUST FORBID
    SLAVERY, DAMN IT.  Instead, Yahweh 
    forbids eating a rare steak.


VII. 2Chronicles 8:7-8


     Yahweh sanctions slave labor as long as 
     Solomon used it for public works, supporting
     the House of the Lord--just like the construction
     of the U. S. Capitol.  GOD, JUST FORBID
     SLAVERY, DAMN IT.  Instead, Yahweh 
     forbids eating an Egg McMuffin.  


Read the word of God, I pray you, as I
have cited it for you in the Holey Bible
www.kingjamesbibleonline.org But if you
gerrymander the verses, as many of your clergy
do, you best eat the Jesus Fish Flesh with
a side of honeycomb.

Let your own reading be your tutor whose
end is to hold, as it were, the mirror up to
the paracosm of religion to show a scam
that is as old as the pyramids.