Commencement Address of Jesus: Of His Own Making

These Were His Very Words

      My loving Greeting to the Classes
of Two Millennia--I, known to you as
Jesus Christ, was brought up to 
believe I was the son of Joseph the
carpenter and Miriam the dresser of
women's hair.

     When I was twelve years old, I
told my ignorant parents that my
father is in Heaven.  They were
offended.  Later in my life, my
family said I was crazy and tried to
conduct an intervention.  But I knew
that I had come  from Heaven. I am
the Son of God.

     I am here to speak what I know,
to bestow these few precepts.  I come
to bury your pageant.  I will not be
mild and gentle in my speech.

     This world is but grief and woe.
How weary, stale, flat, and unprofitable
are all the uses of this world. 

     I see the imminent death of all the
honors--all the glorious gold.  Open
your ears!  I have words that would be
howl'd out.  My words express my 
purpose.  These words hereafter thy
tormentors be.

     Do not plunge thyself into family.
Your parents can be your worst 
enemies.  For it is written that a man's
foes shall be they of his own household.
Follow me; forsake your family; do not
attend their funerals, and I will reward
you a hundred fold.

     Do not strive to have a career, savings,
and a retirement plan.  Live as the lilies
of the field and the birds of the air.  Give
to every panhandler; sell what you have
and give to the poor.

     Do not yourself such a wrong as
marriage.  Be an an asexual angel as
if you have no testicles.

     Do nothing with medicine or health
care because all maladies are the work
of Satan.

     Do not seek justice, equality, or
self-preservation.  Turn the other 
cheek and give more to those who have
robbed you.

     Do not explain to others for it is
written if you look back you are not
fit for the Kingdom of God.

     Thou marvell'st at my words?  You
do not think so?  Your sight is so low.
There is no more to be said.  No more
words.  Your offence is rank! It smells
to Heaven!

     Give me my robe.  Nothing pleaseth!
Mere oblivion!  Then go thou afraid.
This was my speech, and I will speak't
again.